I know we’ve had a tumultuous relationship for quite some time now. I hope you can see that lately I’ve been trying to do better.
I want to say sorry for all the time I spent hating you and hurting you. I denied you food and put through hell when I did eat. I was so mad that you never changed the way I wanted you to. I wanted you to shrink, but, I realize that is one of the most hurtful things a person could do. Wanting you to shrink fueled the idea that you didn’t deserve to take up space. That, in turn, I didn’t deserve to take up space. I’m sorry for not listening to you. I’m sorry I tried to destroy you thinking it would destroy my thoughts. I’m sorry I stayed in the relationship that put you at risk daily. I’m sorry for not taking care you when all you wanted was to be clean. I’m sorry that I was so ashamed of you that I wore sweaters in summer and lied about how comfortable you were.
You didn’t deserve that.
I also want to say thank you for all the things you’ve done for me that I have taken for granted. This goes back a while, so, bear with me. Thank you, body, for continuing to move even when I got 10 hours of sleep a week in highschool. Thank you for the arms I used to wrap around my friend when that boy broke her heart. Thank you for the ability to get on stage and act and sing, making me realize again and again that that’s my passion. Thank you for the strength you had on the first Campus Life white water rafting trip I went on where I learned about faith. Thank you for walking me across the stage at my high school graduation. Thank you for being so understanding when I cautiously entered treatment in 2012. Thank you for being able to get me through 3 summers working with campers that stole my whole heart. Thank you for adjusting when I started to nourish you, I know that was hard at first. Thank you for forgiving me for the rollercoaster that was the nourishment. Thank you for the ability to hold my niece and nephew and run around with them. Thank you for being patient with me as I tried to learn how to listen to you. Thank you for the ability to breathe to calm down. Thank you for allowing me to dance with friends. Thank you for enduring repeated trauma and showing your resilience.
Body, I know I haven’t always been kind to you. I thought, for a very long time, that you had one job; look pretty. Boy was i wrong. You have such an important job. You have, and continue, to be the one that carries me through to my dreams. You are a vessel for my faith, my love, and my care.
I promise I’m doing my best to make it up to you.