That’s me trying to be clever, forgive me.
Let me be hella real. Not everyday is great in recovery. I still have days where I don’t follow my meal plan 100% and there are still days where I fight myself to not engage in other behaviors.
This month, this week, holds a lot of fear. The 12th marked 1 year since my most recent and most terrifying trauma. The 20th will be 2 years since my suicide attempt that changed the course of my life.
I’d be lying if I said I was able to brush these things off. I’ve been fighting flashbacks and living in negative body image. I’ve been avoiding some people and lying to others.
So here’s the truth. A year ago today my disorder was my best friend. It’s how I coped with the storm life threw at me. I still held onto the attempt from the previous year and wished I had kept going with it. My life shifted after both events.
After my attempt I had to quit my job and go into treatment. When I went back to visit after being discharged I was told that if I hadn’t quit I would’ve been fired. But why? I was a good worker and was well liked by those we served. I would’ve been fired for my mental illness causing me to be a liability.
Last year I lost a lot of myself and when that happened I reached out and realized I had lost a friendship that meant so much to me. I was broken and alone.
I’m sad thinking about those things. I’m sad that I didn’t continue with college the way I hoped, that I had to quit the lead role in Beauty and the Beast, and that I had to spend Christmas in residential treatment.
And I think about now. Right now. I am laying on the floor watching Criminal Minds eating a pop tart after a self care bath and spending time with my niece. I have asserted my needs and feelings to friends. I am taking myself on a date tomorrow to my favorite place (Christkindlmarkt). And I officially have a 401k.
My life has taken huge turns and now I’m here. Feeling and living it all. And how blessed am I to experience that? God is good.
These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. John 15:11