I’m Amy and I’m a fat girl. I’ve kind of always been fat at varying weights.
For 10+ years I saw this as something that needed to be changed. Something that needed to be fixed.
I struggled an eating disorder for over a decade before being diagnosed as ‘anorexic with bulimic tendencies’, whatever that means.
My eating disorder flew under the radar of most people because I didn’t “look” like I had an eating disorder. I also didn’t “act” like I had an eating disorder. So, when I was losing weight, running, and dieting, people congratulated me. Because, as a big girl, I wasn’t encroaching and unhealthy low weight.
After years of trying to find joy while destroying my body, I gave in and asked for help.
I’ve now been in solid recovery for over a year and in that time I’ve learned a lot about self love.
I have worked so hard to get to a place where I love my body (yes, I said love). And 90% of the time I’m there.
The other 10% is the hard stuff. The stuff that’s comprised of awkward looks when I tell someone I have a history of an eating disorder, the judge mental glances and words when I say I don’t run or go to the gym anymore, the backhanded sympathy of “I’m in a much more socially accepted body though, so I can’t imagine how you felt” when discussing a group.
People are often to surprised that I love myself. I mean, I don’t blame them, I was surprised at first too.
Here’s my lesson though.
I’m fat, I’ve pretty much always been fat.
And my experience with an eating disorder is still valid. And, more importantly, my recovery is still valid.
So is yours.