I watched To The Bone today. Here’s the thing. It didn’t make me miss my disorder or being sick. It made me miss being able to want to be sick. You know? That place when you’re not in recovery because you don’t have to be and you can still drift off into thoughts about how many laxatives, how long at the gym, and figuring out how small your arm has to be to hold it in your hand.
That’s what this movie did to me.
It’s not making me want to engage more in behaviors. It’s making sad and mad that I am no longer able to push my limits to passing out or to be sent to the hospital for IV fluids. I don’t want that, but not I realize I can’t want that.
Can’t. That’s the key.