“It’s a dialectic…”

Today in my group I processed about where I’m at. How I’m genuinely content, dare I say even happy, for the first time in months. I say that cautiously because I still have disordered thoughts. I still skipped breakfast this morning. I still don’t do snacks. So can I really say I am doing well? 

The answer is yes, yes I can. I’m not perfect. I’m not recovered. But I am recovering. I’m on the mend. I’m in the process of healing and I’m damn proud of myself for not wallowing in despair and hurt. My reaction to being stepped down to 3 days a week from 5 didn’t send me into a spiral of suicidal ideation. I’m tired at night and not exhausted at the start of the day. I’m laughing out of joy instead of just avoidance. I’m wearing a skirt today dammit!

So you’re damn right I can say I’m doing well. 

Dialectics are all about holding two truths at once. The truth is I have an eatin disorder and the other truth is I’m actively recovering from an eating disorder.


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